Tom Brady: Everybody Throw a Stone

Who’s in on this? I see Skip and Stephen A., Dan, Keith too. Wilbon, where’s your sidekick? He’s parking the car. Ruth, you in? Ruth who? Marcus. I’m in. I see coach just walked in the door. Glad to see you Don. Who else? Chris Matthews. Check. Jon Stewart. Check. Shannon, Woody, Marshall, you guys take the drum section. Lupica, Myers, take the horns. Anchor chair guys are going to have to play back up, but jump in on the refrain. Yes, that includes ESPN, FOX, CNN, CBS, and MNBC.

You Colts guys can sit down front. Enjoy. You did the spade work. Going to close the door now. Pretty full up, don’t want to break the fire code. Sure Roger, you can watch. It’s your show. Anything new on concussions to announce? Do do want to preside? No? Okay, I’ll do it.

Everybody ready? On the count of three, pick up the beat of the first stanza of Bob Dylan’s Everybody Must Get Stoned, yup, just as a warm up. We’ve got new lyrics for the real deal. One, two, three. . .

Well, they’ll stone ya when you’re trying to be so good
They’ll stone ya just a-like they said they would
They’ll stone ya when you’re tryin’ to go home
Then they’ll stone ya when you’re there all alone

But I would not feel so all alone
Everybody must get stoned.

Not bad. Let’s bring in the new refrain. Roger, will you pass out the lyrics. You can’t do that? Is there a volunteer? Thanks Coach. Pass this pile over to Don. This will just take a moment.

Everybody have the lyrics? Good. Let’s pick it up with:

They’ll stone ya when you’re tryin’ to go home
Then they’ll stone ya when you’re there all alone,

then onward with gusto,

But please, Tom, don’t pretend you’re so alone
Now ( boom it out) everybody throw a stone.

Throw your right arm and hand out as a baseball pitcher would as you sing that.

Let’s try that again. What? What’s the problem?

I just read the rest of it. It stinks!

What do you mean it stinks?

Read it yourself. It stinks.

Well, they’ll stone ya when you’re ratted by the Colts
They’ll stone ya without proving its your fault
They’ll stone ya before you can answer the phone
Then they’ll stone ya before you could atone

But please, Tom, don’t pretend you’re so alone
Now everybody throw a stone

I know it’s not Dylan, but what’s so bad about that?

Everything. It lays blame on the Colts, it let’s Brady off the hook, and it allows him to atone.

Of course he should have to atone. He doctored his balls.

Yes, but why would we want to allow him to atone?

Well, Chris, you’re a Christian, right?
I’m an Eagles fan today.

Show of hands, how many think it stinks? Most of you. Is anything salvageable?

I like the stanza

They’ll stone ya for playing with ya balls
They’ll stone ya for your sneaky buddy in the stall. . .

That’s terrible too.

Any other suggestions?

Ya, stop trying to frame Brady. He’s a great guy.

Who said that? Did you Shannon?

No, Bruschi is in the house. See him over there with the camera?

Camera? No cameras allowed today. Are you here Teddy?

You heard me. Brady wouldn’t do it. I played with him many years, and in three Super Bowls. Every Patriots fan knows that he’s a high character guy. He’s my friend, and I believe him.

Not this time Teddy, you shouldn’t defend him.

Wrong. I’ll tell you this. You classless loud mouths haven’t even waited to hear his side. But you know it as well as I do, they’re is going to be a fourth quarter, and he and the Patriots are going go around, over, and through you. You better be ready. He’s one of the finest people I know.  He’s the best, and he is going to prevail. Save your stones for your own damned funerals.

Will Callender, Jr. ©

May 11, 2015

Author of Abdication: God Steps Down for Good